I Am Now Something/Someone

When I was little, I would spend hours alone. Dreaming.

I had entire universes in my head where people, animals, plants, trees and worlds lived and died. I would zero in on specific events and individuals. I would live their stories, their lives. I’d feel their joy and their pain. And what amazing adventures I had!

The only regret I had was that no one could go on these adventures with me. So I was the weird kid that didn’t actually like playing with other children. Who preferred to hang out with imaginary friends in imaginary places.

Then kindergarten happened and I learned how to write.

I’ve had more concussions than a professional boxer is allowed so sometimes my memory is like a chunk of extra holey Swiss cheese. But one thing that I remember clearly is the first time I wrote a complete sentence that came from my own head. Something I didn’t copy.

It occurred to me in that moment that all those stories in my head could actually get out. That I could share them! Sitting in my little desk in that colorful classroom of Mr. Funk’s, the future was absolutely clear. I knew then what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I’ve never wanted to just do something for a living. I’ve always known that I needed to be someone. I knew then that I wanted to be a writer. I knew that I would be a writer.

Since then I’ve filled countless notebooks and floppy disks (back in the day). I learned to type on an old typewriter that I would plug in in my room and stick in the front yard so I could sit under the tree and type stories. I’ve come up with more ideas that I could count. Started more stories than I can even remember…but they never kept my attention. I would be gripped for a while, then it would sizzle out.

I never finished anything. Until tonight.

More than six years ago I played the most exciting D&D game ever. My character was a warmage who was so unique that I one day wondered, “Who was she before she became this?” So I started writing a little back story. It suddenly occurred to me that if I made it into an actual story it might be pretty good so, as I do with all my stories, I started handwriting it out. And I couldn’t stop. This story held on to me and took me for a ride. Sometimes I had no idea what I was going to write before I wrote it. It would just happen and unfold and I surprised myself so many times with what happened. I laughed and I cried. The story changed and as it did, so did I. I realized much about myself and about the world and realized that this story was THE ONE. This is my first, my baby. I had to walk away from friendships (with the hopes of returning one day) because there is little room for other people when you work more than full time and write the rest of the time. I had to be alone. No boyfriends (they only got in the way. So needy and high maintenance…), no weeknight hangouts, no girls-night-outs (not that I didn’t allow myself the occasional outing). Many weekends were spent alone in my apartment with a glass of wine or a cup of tea, just writing. The adventure was worth it. Because it helped make me who I am right now.

Up until about thirty minutes ago I was an aspiring writer. But tonight, sitting beside my best friend Diane (who even when she was on the other side of the world stood by me and believed in me and supported me when it seemed that no one else did) in my living room with Halo 4 paused, we went through the final revisions of my book. We finished it. Then I submitted it to the National Library of Congress for a copywrite. I officially completed my novel.

I may not be published yet and I know that that’s still a ways off. But I am no longer an aspiring writer. I am a writer.

I know I've always been someone. But today I became Something. I have never been so proud of myself.

…I AM A WRITER!